My name is Phillip.  I live in Texas and have been a Christian since August 1995. I have read a few of the stories on the web page about others being saved and other experiences. I think my experience may be of help and comfort to Christians who face this same type of problem I had. everything here is true. 

... am deaf and live by myself. My health problems have prevented me from being able to have many contacts with people. I never told anyone about this until this week. The psychiatrists I was seeing have no idea that this happened to me.  

Som... wondrous, strange, and frightening has been happening with my life the past four years or so. I am 43 years old and have been diabetic since I was in the 6th grade. I am also deaf in both ears with the use of a hearing aid in my right ear. After 27 years of diabetes my kidney failed and I got a transplant about two years after that. Thanks to the Lord, this transplant has been working wonderfully now for almost seven years. 

Six years ago I moved to Austin, Texas to try and get a degree. In the fall and winter of 1997 I began to hear voices and to see things. this started about mid-November when I drove home to my parent's to spend the holiday with them. They lived about four and a half hours from Austin. I almost wrecked a few times as I drove there. This was the beginning of my battle with the Devil Himself and his demons. 

After the holiday I went back to school and was barely able to finish the semester. At this point, they started to Demonize me terribly. I sat in my apartment for days, fighting this intrusion. God allowed me to continue to take my shots and eat my meals. 

During this time I did preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the whole of the demonic world, by the Grace and Power of my Lord, Jesus Christ. Afterward, I was continuously attacked and bombarded by demons. This included, but was not limited to, voices in my mind, visions of Hell and other places, and a continuous degradation in my health. 

After what I think was several days, I tried to pack up and drive to my parent's for Christmas. I was not able to do this and was barely able to drive back to my apartment. I again was attacked for, I think, a day or so. My sister-in-law came over and knocked on my doors and windows and by the Grace of God I heard her and let her in. She told me they, my family, had been trying to contact me for days. We got me packed up and she started to drive me to meet my parents. However, I began to go in and out of consciousness - except that I was able to know what was happening around me. 

She took me to the hospital and they started to do treat me as if I had cardiac arrest. I vividly remember what they did. They started to strip me and set me up for IV's and then used the cardiac arrest machine to try and restart my heart. They tried for several minutes and then the doctor used his penlight to shine into my eyes. The next thing they did was to stop all activity and walk away. After a time, I was able to get up and reach my sister-in-law. We left and went on to meet my parents. They took me straight to the hospital. I think I was at Hermann Hospital in Houston, Texas for about a week or maybe two. The doctor's there eventually took out my gall bladder because they could not find anything else wrong with me, physically. 

While I was there in the hospital I continued to have visions, dreams, and perhaps hallucinations. All of this was related in that the Devil and his angels would not leave me alone. I don't have many memories of the doctor's and nurses, but I "woke" up with my hands tied to the bed rails. I have many memories of what the Devil Himself and his angels did. 

My parent's took me their house, about two hours north east of Houston. My demonization did not slow down nor stop. At my parent's house I had many weird things happen to me. At one point I escaped from the house at night and went walking around for hours. It was very cold and rainy that night. I remember walking around for hours with voices and what felt like touches. My step-father made me come home with him early in the morning. 

The next morning I asked my parent's to help me get medical help. I asked them to find a Psychiatrist who was a Christian. All of this happened in the last few weeks of December and perhaps into January. After being interviewed by a psychologist and psychiatrist, the doctor admitted me to his hospital. 

Many things happened during my stay there, more than I can tell here. He kept me there for, I think, two weeks. I can only remember most of one of them. The doctor stated me on some medicine and sent me home to my parents. This began a four year period of medication and doctor visits, for medication review. 

During this time, I convinced the doctor to take me off the Zyprexa I had been on. This is a fairly new psychotropic medication. After a few weeks of no medication I began to feel much better. Only, I was again attacked by the Devil and his minions. He even convinced me to lay down and just let nature take it's course and let my self die. Thank God, He would not allow that to happen. 

So, I called my parents and they again took me to Hermann Hospital. This time, they did not find anything wrong with me. I was just unable to do anything other than lay in bed or sleep. After a week of this, they got the Psychiatric doctors to look at me. After several days they recommended a doctor for me to see and told me where I should go. However, I had no money or any kind of I.D. with me and refused to leave the hospital. They eventually  sent me by cab to the new doctor's hospital. I spent a week there and they let go home. This time they put me on Seroquel. That was last year sometime. 

A little after Thanksgiving this year, I "woke up". I have no other way of explaining what happened. It was as if I had been asleep the previous four years. In the past month, there have been miracles in my life. The Holy Spirit is fully with me, my diabetes is  improving very quickly, my eye sight is improving almost daily- even to the extent I may be able to drive at night for the first time in about ten years (I would like to be able to go to Sunday Bible Study and Wednesday Night Bible Study), I have lost about ten pounds of the eighty I put on while on the psychiatric medication ( I am still taking it until the doctor takes me off), and most of all - I have been able to fight the Devil and his hordes. 

I can hear them talking all the time and it doesn't cause any problems. I believe the Holy Spirit is doing this so I can gain and overcome them. They are trying very hard to retain their grip on my mind. They are DEFINITELY losing and they know it. I believe it will not be long until they either leave of their own accord or are forced to leave by my standing in faith in Jesus. 

Thank God for our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ! I wanted to share my story so others can see the Victory and Power of our Lord. The Bible says,"Stand against the Devil and he will flee!". This is true but many people may not realize it may take a long time to attain victory. God has helped me to grow in Christ and become a better Christian through this time of testing.  

Thank you for listening to my story.    

However, when I think of Jehovah's Witnesses, I recall a lifetime of bondage to a cult which I served for the first 28 years of my life. My grandfather became a part of the Watchtower Society in the early 1900s. My father is an elder at his local Kingdom Hall.

I was taught that Jehovah's Witnesses were the only true religion. It is a religion governed from Watchtower headquarters in Brooklyn , N.Y. The controlling council or governing body is comprised of a handful of elderly men who control the lives of over four million people. Jehovah's Witnesses are taught that everything written by Watchtower leaders is from God Himself and is never to be questioned. They believe that the governing body receives what they call, "new light" from angelic beings which explain their unique Bible teachings. This "angelic" information, is passed on to the rank and file in printed form through Watchtower materials. They believe the Watchtower organiza... is the sole agency on the earth God is using. So, according to their beliefs, apart from the Watchtower organization, people have no hope. Jehovah's Witnesses believe they alone have what they call "the truth." They also believe they alone are the only true Christians, which means, they alone will be saved. All others are considered part of " Babylon the Great-the world empire of false religion." All church members and others will be slaughtered by Jehovah God at the battle of Armageddon.

I began full-time Watchtower service in 1971 after dropping out of High School with the encouragement of Watchtower leaders. They had predicted the end of the world to occur in 1975. During this era, thousands of Jehovah's Witnesses cashed in insurance policies, abandoned careers, and sold their possessions to spend the "short time remaining" in the ministry work before the end of the world.

As a missionary worker or "Pioneer," I went from door to door trying to convince people that they must become Jehovah's Witnesses to please God and perhaps receive salvation.

I use the word "perhaps" because all Jehovah's Witnesses are not sure of their salvation. The Watchtower's way of salvation is based upon works, rather than the saving grace of Jesus Christ, which through faith we freely receive.

This works system of selling Watchtower books from door to door and other deeds, puts the individual Jehovah's Witness in a position to be saved if he is faithful to the organization and does all he is told to. Faithfulness to the organization also involves adhering to a host of rules and regulations, which Watchtower elders enforce with great zeal.

Violation of any rules as set forth by the Watchtower Society's governing body could result in punishment and restrictions, depen... upon the offense. Elders have the power to take away salvation, restrict prayer life, to interrupt family communication or anything they deem necessary will bring a wayward Witness to repentance.

Each Jehovah's Witness must fill out monthly reports recording time   spent in their proselytizing work to the elders. Elders put the information into a personal file. There are files kept on each member of the congregation. Secret files   are also kept which also contain sensitive information regarding any major sins or infractions of rules and personal habits of individuals. These secret files related to a Witness' private life are transferred to master files at the New York City headquarters. These files are never destroyed.

Since I had been living in this system all my life, I knew what was expected of me. I had to follow the rules and laws to gain salvation. I had been going from door to door since I was a small child, so I adapted to full-time service easily.

I continued such service for a number of years, but with little satisfaction. The burden of keeping up with the monthly quotas of 100 hours of time, as well as sales of a minimum of 100 magazines and 40 books, started to discourage me. All of this work is voluntary and there are no salaries paid. Witnesses must find employment that will support this work.

In 1973, I was invited to go to the World Headquarters in Brooklyn to be part of the vast staff of workers who produce the literature. In a personal letter from the president of The Watchtower Society, Nathan H. Knorr, he stated: "Additionally, you are going to get a wonderful four-year advanced theocratic training which is far better than any secular education you can get."

With much anticipation I boarded a plane for New York City. While on the plane I recalled all my friends' envy, in that I was going to be living with the governing body members, and how grand it would be to be at the hub of all the activity of the work around the world. My friends gave me going-away parties and gifts, commending my proud parents on raising me in the organization so well that they could see their son go to such a place.

Soon after arriving in New York, the illusion wore off as I was assigned to work in the factory. Hard labor and learning the ways of the organization from the inside out was the "education... I obtained at Watchtower headquarters.

Space does not permit details of what I experienced while spending long hours working in the book bindery. There I operated equipment for "God's organization." I recall the mental stress of a profusion of rules and regulations. The master plan of the Watchtower leaders controlled where we went, what we did, and how we did it.

After spending three years at headquarters, with no money to start out in the world (our pay was $14.00 (U.S.) per month), I learned the harsh reality of trying to make a living with no training or skills. Jehovah's Witnesses are strongly discouraged from attending college.

I married a good Jehovah's Witness girl, and we set out together trying to please God the best way we knew how. That is, we were good Jehovah's Witnesses and followed all the rules and laws. My wife had been a missionary for eight years. She had been sent to different parts of the United States in her work, under the direction of the Watchtower Society.

After I returned home with a fairly "clean file" from the New York office, the local elders were using me quite extensively in teaching from the platform. Most Jehovah's Witnesses agree that anyone who has spent any time at headquarters is special and worthy of greater responsibilities in the local congregation.

As I gained status in the congregation, I was being exposed to and trained in some of the undercover work of the local elders. It was exciting slinking around in the darkness, spying on members of the congregation who were suspected of wrongdoing. I also was given access to the congregation files, which revealed the inside information of all in the congregation. I was being used in the same kind of covert operations I had seen control the workers at headquarters.

Through all this I could not receive any satisfaction and peace. The pressure of trying to serve a God who is vengeful and full of wrath is more than I can describe. The organization always painted a picture of Jehovah as a God ready to "pour out vengeance." All I knew of God was what I read in the Watchtower. Yes, we did read the Bible, but were told that if we did so apart from the Watchtower books to interpret it, we were destined to fall into apostasy and ultimately be destroyed by God.

A friend introduced me to a book that was written by a former Jehovah's Witness called "Thirty Years a Watchtower Slave.&q... I knew that my duty as a good Witness was to turn in my friend to the elders, for we were forbidden to read any anti-Witness material.

But in defiance, I read the book. It disturbed me greatly, for the author was a former worker at headquarters, and I could relate to many of the things he was saying. Many things that I had tried to erase from my memory were surfacing again, and questions of the Watchtower's authority left me very unsettled. The author mentioned that he had found the truth by studying the Bible apart from Watchtower publications.

All this time I believe God was leading us to study His Word alone apart from books. Even though we had our own New World Translation of the Bible (translated by the Watchtower Society and refuted by Hebrew and Greek scholars as being a biased, twisted version of the Bible), we bought a New American Standard Bible.

My wife and I secretly studied our new Bible long hours into the night, discovering that many of the major doctrines that we had been willing to die for were false. I confronted my father about some of these issues. Being an elder, my father saw that I was questioning some of their main teachings, and he reported my wife and I to the elders, to stand trial for apostasy.

After a lengthy, tearful hearing, we repented of doubting the Watchtower Society and were allowed to remain as Jehovah's Witnesses, but I was stripped of all my responsibilities in the congregation. I was to be watched for a period of time before serving in any capacity in the congregation again. All this information was noted on our files.

A job transfer to another town was a welcome relief. We looked forward to entering another congregation and getting a fresh start. But soon the disappointment came when we remembered that the details of our trial was in our files and would follow us wherever we went for the rest of our lives!

Of course, the elders in the new congregation had our files soon after we started to attend the meetings. They told us they would be watching us for a while to see if these apostate ideas of ours would resurface. They warned us they would excommunicate us if we tried to share such ideas with anyone in the congregation. We vowed loyalty to the organization, and said we would not read or speak about anything that would be different from the Watchtower's position on Scripture.

Two years passed. Being under the elders' scrutiny left us very empty. Nothing, not even our children who had brought us so much joy, made our lives fulfilling. We had a need for something, but what it was we did not know. We would drink to excess often, searching for some kind of joy, but only emptiness resulted.

Having two boys, we longed for a girl to be born and hoped that having a little girl would complete the happiness missing from our family. On Aug. 10, 1980 , Jenny Leigh Blizard was born. We were so excited but tragedy struck. At five weeks old, Jenny received a small cut on a finger which would not stop bleeding. Local doctors found that Jenny's blood simply would not clot..

They sent us to San Antonio , Texas, for treatment of Jenny's condition. She was admitted to Santa Rosa Medical Center's special care nursery, looking for the treatment that would make Jenny well. Doctors spent days trying to reach a diagnosis.

Finally, a team of doctors informed us that Jenny needed an emergency blood transfusion to save her life. This was a difficult problem for us because Watchtower law does not permit any Jehovah's Witness to take blood in any form. Jehovah's Witnesses carry cards stating that under no circumstances will they take a blood transfusion, even if it means death.

We sent the doctors out of the room and told them that we would give them our answer soon. My wife and I prayed and cried out to God for answers. I remember thinking; "Oh Jehovah, how can you ask me to make such a decision - a yes or no whether Jenny lives or dies! What kind of God are you!" Finally my wife and I called the doctors back into the room, and we informed them that we had to obey God's law and we would have to let Jenny die.

The hospital officials contacted the Texas Child Welfare Dept. and a suit was filed against us for child abuse and neglect. A court order was issued to ensure that Jenny would receive the blood she needed to save her life. The Sheriff's Department of Bexar County issued us citations and warned the hospital staff not to allow us to remove Jenny from the hospital. They knew full well that Jehovah's Witnesses have a long history of sneaking patients out of hospitals to avoid blood transfusions at all costs.

My wife and I were secretly relieved that Jenny would get the care she needed to save her life. We felt we had done all we could in trying to stop them from giving her the blood. We never thought the courts would intervene.

Reporters of two San Antonio newspapers, "The San Antonio Express/News" and "The San Antonio Light," learned about Jenny and exposed the story, though we refused to talk to the reporters. In retrospect, I commend their work.

In the meantime, friends contacted the local elders, who promptly came to visit us. They were relieved to find out that there was still time to plan a way to kidnap Jenny out of the hospital before blood could be administered.

I explained to them that the matter was out of my hands and that I was under court order not to remove Jenny. That did not matter to them. Their main concern was to get her out.

I knew that Jenny would shortly die if I removed her from the machines that were keeping her alive, and I would be charged with murder. I explained this to the elders. They replied, "That's the chance you have to take! You cannot allow them to give your child blood!"

Without further discussion, I asked them to leave, stating that we could not allow our child to die in this way. "If this is the God I serve, I am through with Him."

The elders left the hospital angry that we would not submit to their demands "I hope," one elder even said, "she gets hepatitis from that blood, just to prove that it's bad!"

When we finally returned home with Jenny, the Witnesses had received word that even though we had protested the blood transfusion, We "allowed" her to take it. This made us outcasts in their eyes. They did not excommunicate us because their law calling for expulsion would have applied only if we had freely given permission for the transfusion.

This is when we feel God stepped in. Local Christians came to our home and helped us out with food and helpful aid. The living testimony of these people affected my wife and I so much that we decided to start again studying the Bible.

Those months of intense secret study of the Bible led us to conclude we had lived a lie. We had been in bondage to a system of interpretation of scripture which squelched any free thinking. On the issues and doctrinal points that I had so much trouble, the Bible was clear. I read the whole Bible in context, without the aid of books or magazines to instruct us.

The result of this study was that we found all we needed for Salvation was faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. We also found that He is a God of love.

One night, my wife and I held hands and gave our lives to the Lord Jesus Christ. Suddenly, we felt a release in our spirit, a release that brought freedom, liberty, and salvation. We were, as Jesus said: "born again." I had never had a feeling like it in all the thousands of hours I had spent striving to please God as a good Jehovah's Witness. We knew that we were changed. We were a "new creation." As the Apostle John said: "These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God." (I John 5:13)

Of course, we were promptly disfellowshipped from the Jehovah's Witness religion. Under the rules of our excommunication, we cannot have contact with any of our family and life long friends in the organization. Our own parents and family members will not be allowed to go to our funerals. According to the Watchtower law, we are to be regarded as dead. Any Witnesses caught talking to us are subject to judicial action, including disfellow...

In conclusion, I must say that we are not dead, but very much alive. Yes, we are dead to a former way of life, but alive in Jesus Christ, full of the Holy Spirit and power, saved by the blood of the Lamb!

In conclusion Jenny's condition was more serious than what a blood transfusion could permanently correct. The transfusions given to her as an infant did prolong her life, but on March 3, 1987 , our six- year-old Jenny went home to be with the Lord.

On Jenny's memorial stone it is inscribed: "God's special messenger." We believe she truly was. Through her illness and brief life, we came to recognize the deception of the Watchtower Society, profess and receive Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and share this redemptive knowledge with Jehovah's Witnesses around the world.

In addition, during the final 39 days of Jenny's life, in Dallas' Children's Medical Center, My wife and I spent much of our time praying and testifying for Christ with families of other serious and terminally ill children at the hospital.

Finally, some details of Jenny's funeral attest to the evil nature of the Watchtower Society and the control it holds over its members. At Jenny's funeral, the first four pews were reserved for family members. The remaining rows of pews were open to church family and local townspeople. The latter were packed. People from all over came to share in the grief of the loss of this small child. However, the pews set aside for Jenny's family were occupied by only four people -- Myself, my wife Pat, and Jenny's two brothers. No other family members attended the funeral. They were ordered not to by Watchtower leaders. The callousness shown by the Watchtower Society in forbidding relatives from attending the service is deplorable. However, our prayer is through our testimony those caught in religious bondage will wake up to the freedom found only in the person of Jesus Christ.

I was saved 17 years ago, JESUS  came into my life that year I had two operations within 4 months apart I had a hysterectomy I had to have my womb removed, and instead of getting better I got worse and I had to go back in to have my ovaries tubes and appendix removed. 

I was saved before the operations, and I believe that Satan tried to take over my mind I was a new Christian and was weak,  JESUS also took away my desire for cigarettes that same year too, I had smoked for 17 yrs. I believe my body couldn't handle what was going on and I had a nervous break down.  I spent six weeks in the hospital. but now I know that greater is he that's in me than he that's in the world. 

I claimed this verse in the bible Jeremiah 33:3 come unto me and I will answer thee and will show you great and mighty things which thou knowest not. and oh how has he ever showed me great and mighty things, and I am stronger now than I have ever been in my beliefs, I have to say Satan get thee behind me in the precious blood of JESUS  and believe me he has to flee god cannot lie. 

I am now 48 yrs old and every day is sweeter with JESUS in my life, I grew up in the salvation army church we use to go to summer camp my sister and I know they taught us about JESUS but when you're a child sometimes it doesn't hit you like it does when you're an adult. well this is my testimony and I have enjoyed sharing it with you all. blessings peace.

At 10:00 am, on, January 1 2000, my life changed forever. Upon entering the upstairs bedroom of the apartment where my wife and myself lived, I found her lying on the bed, not breathing. I would find out a few hours later, that a reaction between Tylenol and Alcohol, had stopped her liver from functioning, and stop her breathing.

After a call to 911, within a few minutes, several emergency vehicles arrived, and a team of technicians were working in a fight for her life. There was no pulse and no breathing, after their repeated attempts. So they rushed her to the hospital.

As I paced and waited in an emergency waiting room, a hospital Deacon name Grant, came in to comfort me. As the unbearable minutes passed, Grant asks if I would like to pray, and I nodded yes. For the first time in my life I prayed with him, to God, who I knew existed, but who I never really knew.

An hour passed the doctor came in. He informed me there was no brain activity, and very little hope. He said they were running some final tests that would take about an hour. Grant had been called out of the waiting room, and I began to think about what our lives had been like. I felt my drinking problem, and my lack of ability to open my heart in love to my wife, had led to her drinking. I knew that my actions and lack of love had played a part in what had happened to her. I knew that I couldn't bear to face life without her, and the events of the coming hours and days. So I decided that after I received the final confirmation that there was no hope for her, I would return home to our apartment, and take my own life.

I stood on the edge of eternity, and felt that surely my fate would be Hell. But because I felt responsible for what happened, and because I was in Hell at that moment, I didn't care.

Grant came back into the room, and he asked if I would like to pray again, and I again nodded yes. This time it was different, because at this point my life was over, and my eternity was set. Then as we prayed I turned my life over to God. I had always believed in God, I thought at some point in my life I would find out who He really was. But now that time had come, and in a moment He revealed to me that He is Love, God is Love.

I realized that if I took my own life I would never see Margaret again. I realized that was not what God wanted, and that was not what Margaret would want. So I began to pray myself, for God to give me strength to go on, and He did. The next morning at 7:00 am, on January 2 Margaret passed away.

I know that I could not have made it through the days and weeks that followed, without God's help, and I prayed many times a day. I began to understand and know, that this life is very temporary, and that all those that love God will be together with Him forever. As I prayed I could feel the power of God in me, and during some of the worse times, God's Love brought me peace. Soon I wanted to know more about God's love, the plan that He had for us, and how that plan was fulfilled through his son Jesus. I encountered some unexpected surprises along the way as God led me, and taught me. God would show me things and reveal things to me that some would call coincidences, but my mathematical background with probabilities in engineering, would confirm to me they were not coincidences.

I spent a week at my sisters, before returning home. One morning as I stood looking out a bedroom window, I noticed a Bible on a bookshelf. I had promised God that as soon as I could think straight I would read and study the Bible. Something told me just to pick it up and read anything, so I did. I turned to the verse:

2 Corinthians 7:9-10

… ⁹yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. ¹⁰Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.

I knew that this was a message from God to me, and that He was telling me that I would not study the Bible to please Him, I would study so that His words could help me.

After returning back home, and to work, I now found myself waking up early every morning. I soon found a show called "Through the Bible with Les Feldick". Les Feldick teaches Bible classes on TV all across the country, and he has been teaching the Bible for 30 years. His show is prerecorded and is at different points in the Bible, depending on when they started showing it. It just so happen when I started watching the show he was just finishing his teachings on Acts, and starting into Romans. It just so happened that he, and most others, say this is exactly where a new Christian should start studying.

I had remembered that several months before this had happened that Margaret had received the book "Power for Living". I had been concerned about Margaret's relationship with the Lord, but I knew that she was one of the most loving people that I had ever met, and I would just have to have faith in the Lord. I knew she had attended church before we had met, but we had never discussed our beliefs. One morning as I was watching Les's show, something told me to get out the book. I was hesitant, because I didn't know what to expect, but as I opened the book I found she had turned down five pages. One of the pages was a prayer which read:

Dear God . I've been living my life my own way. Now I want to live it Your way. I need You and I am now willing for You to take control of my life. I receive Your Son Jesus Christ, as my personel Saviour and Lord. I believe He died for my sins and has risen from the dead. I surrender to Him as Lord. Come, Lord Jesus, and occupy the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.

Over the next several weeks with the help of Les's teaching, the teachings of others, and my mother, I wrote a few simple pages about what I learned about becoming a Christian. I shared these questions and answers with family and friends, and I put them on an Internet site I built to share with others. The name of the site is www.JustHaveFaith.org.

One of the hardest times was about 6 weeks later, when I traveled back to Illinois, where Margaret had been laid to rest, to spend her birthday with her mother, and the rest of the family. I knew it would be a terribly difficult time for all of us, and that we all needed to be together to comfort each other. On Sunday morning the day before her birthday I decided to attend a local church there. Her family were not regular members of a church there, so I decided just to attend one that was near by. There were probably 50 to 80 churches in town to choose from. As I waited for the service to start, I noticed a man that looked familiar, but I thought I was mistaken, because I didn’t really know anyone there. Then I realized he was the Pastor there, and the man that had spoken at Margaret's funeral. We talked after the service, and I told him about the things the Lord was doing in my life, and told him about the Internet site I had built.

As the weeks went by I continued to study, and looked for answers to the many questions that I had wondered about Christianity all my life. I began searching through over 3000 pages of transcripts of Les Feldick's teachings that were posted on his Internet site, from his ten years of teachings. As I found the answers to these questions, I got his permission to post them on a new Internet site called www.HaveFaith.org. These answers help me to build my faith and fully understand God's plan, and I wanted to share them with others. Les has a way of presenting answers in such a simple way to understand, directly from the scripture.

I had purchased the Bible program Quick Verse Version 6 to help with my studies. Every day when you start the program, it gives you an inspirational message for that day. The messages are from a Book called "My Utmost for His Highest", which I believe was written around 1945. I noticed on several occasions the messages almost seem to be speaking directly about some question or problem I had in my life that day. If fact they were so direct at times that on one of these occasions, something told me to go back to January 1 to see what the message was for that day. In part the message read:

"… my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death" (Philippians 1:20).

My Unstoppable Determination for His Holiness. "Whether it means life or death—it makes no difference!" (see 1:21). Paul was determined that nothing would stop him from doing exactly what God wanted. But before we choose to follow God’s will, a crisis must develop in our lives. This happens because we tend to be unresponsive to God’s gentler nudges. He brings us to the place where He asks us to be our utmost for Him and we begin to debate. He then providentially produces a crisis where we have to decide—for or against. That moment becomes a great crossroads in our lives. If a crisis has come to you on any front, surrender your will to Jesus absolutely and irrevocably.

The most unusual and important message from God came to me around April. I was Baptized on February 12 at Southeast Christian Church. In April, for the first time since my baptism I met with the Deacon that had helped and advised me, Doug Merrill. We talked about how I was getting through each day with God's help, and the wonderful things I was learning. Doug mentioned that there were several books by Max Lacado that had very inspirational messages that might help in my journey to build my faith. I had never heard of him, being a relatively new Christian, so I wrote his name down. That was Saturday, and I returned home that following Monday. When I arrived home Monday afternoon, I found a package in the door. As I went in I looked at the package, and it was from Grant (the Deacon from the Hospital). I opened it and it was the book, "Six Hours One Friday" by Max Lacado. I thought this was more than a coincidence, since I had not heard from Grant for several months, and Grant and Doug did not know each other.

As I read the book, I enjoyed each story, but I wasn't sure if there was some special message I was supposed to get from it. Then I came to the story. It was a modern day version of the story from Matthew 9:18-26, where Jesus raises a girl from the dead. In Max Lacado's story it took place in a modern day setting, but it was the same story. A man who was Jesus came and brought her back to life. The next morning as the family sat around the table, still in shock, the father turned to the girl and he said princess, "What was it like". The girl replied "it’s a secret", "it's too good for words". Then it hit me. I remembered our return trip home the day before this happened, after visiting with our families, Margaret had made a comment to me. She said she knew that after the first of the year all of her problems would be gone. She had a problem with drinking, she was always depressed, and we had many difficulties in our relationship. I asked her what she meant, how did she know all her problems would be gone. She said she couldn't exactly describe the feeling, but that she could just feel it. It was like some type of spiritual feeling of peace. So I dropped the subject.

God is real, He is alive, He loves us, and He speaks to us if we will only listen. No matter how big our problems may seem in our everyday life, they are nothing in comparison to loosing someone we love. God gave the life of His son so that we would understand how much He loves us. God is Love, and with God there is hope, but without Him there is none.

Two years ago, I was very ill and facing surgery. I was terrified and was considering suicide to escape it all. While folding clothes in my laundry room, I became so overcome by emotion that I ended up on the floor crying. I knew that I was at the end of my rope and thought there was no hope for me to have any kind of future. Then I heard the voice of a man say, "Get up!", so I did. I assumed someone else was in the house with me, but no one was there. Then the same voice said, "Be still." I went to my room and sat there, staring at the wall but not seeing a wall at all. What I saw was myself, wearing a quilt made of what looked like photographs of all the painful memories I was holding close to my heart and the fear that was crippling me. I felt something in the pit of my stomach that is still with me today. It's like a spark or something...I can't really explain it.

The time came for my surgery and I felt stronger and more capable than ever. After it was over and I was in recovery, I started to pray. I thanked God for sending whomever it was who helped me and asked Him to show me how to be what He purposed for me. The very second that I stopped praying, a nurse came in and invited me to church with her on Sunday. She didn't know what led her to my room or why she suggested that I go with her. She only knew that she was compelled to do so, but I knew exactly what had happened.

The voice has stayed with me. He gives me clues to life's mysteries and sometimes he allows me to see things I wouldn't have been able to see without him. I'm not sure who he is because he has not told me. He did tell me once that "the lion awaits on the desert" and a short time later, Ariel Sharon announced his plans to run for the Israeli presidency. I knew he would win as soon as I heard his name, which I'm sure you know means "the lion of God of the desert". Yesterday, he said, "ben-wa-den" or something to that effect. I'm not sure what it means yet, but I will figure it out...or perhaps I should say it will be revealed to me.

Before all of this happened to me, I was a selfish, spoiled, insincere person. I never did anything before determining the benefits to myself. Now I don't do anything that I will be ashamed of when I answer to the Lord. It seems to me that I had to reach a moment in my life when I realized that I had no choices left, no real control over anything around me except my own behavior and beliefs, for the Lord to reach out to me. Perhaps all it took was for me to be naked and unafraid and He was there the whole time, waiting for me to call His name.

My name is Pam, I am 33 yrs. old. I was raised in Church, but never felt like it was "real". My family was from Kentucky, and very southern, I suppose the slang is Hillbilly. They came from the actual "hollar" of Salyersville, Kentucky. We were very poor, and Church was all they actually had to hang on too in life.

I never really understood the importance of it all while growing up. When I was very young I was molested by a family member, but could never tell my parents. By molesting, I mean he fondled me, but never used his body parts on me. One night my Mom read to all of us kids (I have 2 brothers and 3 sisters) the Bible. What she was reading was about "incest&... and how it was wrong. Well I was only 6-7 yrs old at the time, but that really stuck in me. 

A week or so later, the "person" who was molesting me came in my room, (which I shared with my baby twin sisters), and started touching me again. I felt so sick inside as before, and I pretended I was asleep as usual. But this time I kicked him all the way across the room, and he landed in the dresser!! He never touched me again after that day. But he did my baby sisters for years, and I didn't know it. ( I carried the guilt of this for many years upon finding out) 

When I was 9 yrs. old my grandpa died. Oh how I loved him, he was a Baptist Preacher. He was the most precious man I have ever met. He loved me so much, he would sit and wait with me for the bus, under a tree with his Bible across his lap reading. My grandfather NEVER LEARNED TO READ!!! But he prayed and prayed and somehow, the Lord opened his mind to be able to read the Bible!! Any way, when he died, I was so crushed. When I heard of his death from my older brother, I laughed out loud!! Then ran into the bathroom, and lost my mind. (had to go to a psychiatrist  for my inability to handle situations later in life) My Mom who was in tremendous grief at the time, said to me, "why are you crying? didn't you say everyone has to die sometime?" I was only 9 years old!! I was totally crushed. 

I went a bit "crazy" after that, I would talk to myself, and walk around in circles in the house with my head hung low. My Mom, one time grabbed me and shook me, and yelled and screamed at me to straighten up. I never grew up hearing "I love you", I never received hugs. It just was not done in my house. And if we did hug our Mom or tell her we loved her, she always responded like this, "what do you want?" The night my grandpa died changed my life. I had to go sleep with my grandma that night cause she had a bad heart also, and no one would. All the adults were afraid she would die in the night, so they opted that a 9 yr. old child should stay with her. How bizarre!! They actually woke me up out of my bed, to go stay with her. I ended up moving in with me grandma at 10 yrs. old. She was partially blind, had to use a white cane to get around. 

I lived with her until she died, I was 16 yrs old. While living with her, I tried to kill myself by gas, I blew out all pilot lights to the stove and turned on the gas. But, she came home right after. I had to move back in with my parents, which I hated!! I didn't think they loved me or wanted me. And I didn't want to be there with them. 

I was raped 2 weeks after my grandma died, and that put me through another stage of life. Before the rape, I had never seen a naked man, nor kissed a boy before. I had never smoked or drank, never had a boyfriend. But that night my whole life once again was changed. I was FORCED to drink, he actually pulled my hair from the back and forced schnapps down my throat!! It was awful, I can't even or don't even want to go there. I was dumped off at the school entrance way, covered in blood, reeking of booze, drunk and crying. Oh I was so ashamed!!! I knew now I was going to "hell" for sure because in my mind I was a "whore". A friend of mine took me to her house, her Mom gave me a "bath" and washed my clothes!! 

My Mom came and picked me up. And I will never ever forget the words she said to me through her pain, she said, "do you feel like a woman now!?" Oh man, talk about kicking someone when your down. That clinched it for me, I was a "whore" now, and God hated me, like my Mom did. The doctor's who examined me, told my Mom I was "cut" up inside and bleeding worse than if I was on a period. I started drinking, smoking pot, and skipping school after that. The boy was never charged for rape, not enough "evidence". Later I found out after me, he raped a 6th and 7th grader also.... 

I got married at 17 and moved out. I was 6wks pregnant when I married. We moved to Illinois, and I had a miscarriage. I called my Mom crying, and again not a very compassionate conversation. She said this to me, "well Pam, God corrects his mistakes, maybe something was wrong with the baby." Not to mention she never let anyone know I was pregnant, due to shame on the family. 

I was married close to 5 years, thought I was the most lucky woman in the world. Until one day again my life crashed around me...One of my baby twin sisters accused my husband of trying to rape her. Well...it was all messed up. I confronted him and he said NO WAY, but let us lay all of our "cards out on the table" He told me he cheated on me, with our apartment "caretaker". WOW talk about a huge blow. I left him and took my little daughter with me. Later I found out that he had at least 7 affairs that I confirmed, probably more. In his words they were accidents. I couldn't live without him, so I went back to him. But things were never ever the same. 

I got drunk one night and he actually RAPED ME while passed out, he performed "sodomy" on me, and boasted about it the next day. I was stuck now, I didn't have anywhere to go, I was so full of shame. 

I met a man that became my knight in shining armor so to speak. He and I had a lot in common, he was raised Pentecostal/Baptist as I was, he was born in Sept. as I was, he loved horror movies as I did, his Mom was an evangelist, my Mom was an Ordained Preacher. WOW this man was sent from GOD. I left my husband because he told me that if I stayed I was going to be a "wife" and that meant in bed too. So I asked if I could go to my sister's with our daughter for a little bit. I left and did not return. I moved in with my "knight".&...

My husband had visitation of our 2 yr old and during this time, her behavior really really changed. She started acting very strange with Barbie dolls and her Raggedy Ann doll. I found her doing "sexual things" to these dolls and with these dolls. Then one night, she was moving her pelvic back and forth, and said in her innocent way, "this is what daddy does to me"!!! I lost my mind!!! I knew that this was all my fault. He was molesting my daughter, because I wasn't there to "feed his sexual appetite". This was what frame of mind I was in. So I would actually go and have sex with him before visitation thinking that, if I did that he wouldn't touch her anymore. There was an investigation, but not enough "evidence". Story of my life. 

I ended up getting pregnant and didn't know who's baby it was. My husband's or my "knights". Well my "knight" ... to Florida for a better job opportunity, and was going to send for me later. During that time, I was so messed up I didn't know which way was up. I ended up getting back with my husband. I had a baby boy, and my husband said right after his birth, I mean right after, he is not mine... 

Not long after that I found out that my baby sister was having an affair with my husband. It started off by him molesting her at the age of 10 and just continued. When I found out, she was 21-22 married and had a baby. Talk about hating life and everyone around!!! I went on a complete and total nut then. I drank, ran around with anyone and everyone, my oldest sister took care of my 2 kids for me. And I became a "hot piece of property" around town. I lost a lot of weight and used it all to my advantage. I was going to prove that I was "loveable" I was pretty. 

Well about a year later, I moved to Fl. with that "knight&q... of mine. Lived there for about a year I think, had a little baby girl named Savannah Rose. Up until this time, I had tried to commit suicide 4 times, once while pregnant with Savannah. What stopped me was I heard a voice tell me I was pregnant and it was one thing to take my life, but this baby did nothing to deserve death. 

I left him, moved home. And ran around like a cheap whore!! I started working at a fast food restaurant. People always gave me compliments on how beautiful I was, and how could someone that looks like me work in a "fast food restaurant" blah blah blah.   No one could ever guess my age, because I didn't look my age, dress my age or hang out with people my age. My husband moved back in with me, but I was never faithful to him for long. You see I found out in Florida he slept around while he was "waiting for me" and lied to me about it. So in my carnal revengeful mind, I had to make up for all the women he had by having affair also, I could not get back at him or my first husband enough. I always justified my actions by their past. So sad...

 Well I straightened up a bit, but he and I broke up. I wanted to make a career out of my job. So I really cleaned up, because one day I wanted to be an owner operator of my own restaurant. I worked very very hard, and ran shifts by myself with very little help. And I was on the ladder to success. Still had a downfall though, during this time I was dating a teenage boy, he was 17 going on 18 and I was 27... 

During long hard shifts without days off. I was tired all the time, and cranky. I worked the night shift so I didn't get home until 2-3 am in the morning. So in the mornings when my daughter and step daughter (which lived with me, instead of her father) went to school I would lay on the sofa trying to stay awake. But most of the time it did not work. And Savannah and D.J. would be into everything imaginable. Oh the messes I would wake up to!! One day she had gotten into the eggs and threw them all over her bedroom, she asked me if I was "mad" I would say "yes" she would then say, " I taking a nap" and go to sleep!! Gerbils would be hidden in tight places, coffee would be all over kitchen, pepper on the burners of the stove. It was a very very sad time I was raising my kids in...trying to make something of myself and working all the time, I had no time to be a mom and didn't know how to be one. I never spanked them, or yelled at them, and I would hug them and would always tell them they were pretty, smart and that I loved them. But those were words, my babies needed action's not words. 

Savannah had started talking about God and Jesus a lot. She would point and say to me, "Mommy do you see them, they are beautiful, they love me so much." She would describe them in her little 2 yr old way. She was very smart, I thought she was a baby genius actually because she spoke and talked like an adult most of the time. One day she said to me while I was laying with her in bed, "Mommy, there is JESUS look Mommy He loves me," " do you love Jesus Mommy?" I quickly told her to go to sleep, and left the room.... 

A few weeks later, I had 3 day's off!!! WOW actually 3 days off in a row. I decided that these days were dedicated to my babies, Jess, D.J. and Savannah. I let my step daughter go away with her friends and it was just us. I had a wonderful time with them, I truly did. The day I was to return to work, my life for real crashed and tumbled on me as never before.... 

The kids were outside with an uncle and cousins playing. Earlier it was raining and Savannah wanted to go outside so bad, I told her no that it was raining. She lay down with me on the couch, and grabbed my face in her two little hands and said to me words I will never forget," I LOVE YOU, MOMMY" we fell asleep in each other arms for the last time ever.. 

While outside playing, my step daughter was dropped off. My nieces and 6 yr old came in following, cause they wanted to see my reaction to my step daughter's shaven head. I yelled at them and asked, "where are my babies?" go watch them. Then, the next moment is something that is imprinted for life in my mind...my niece came running in and all she said was SAVANNAH!! 

I dropped everything and ran outside, there on the road laying in a pool of blood from her head, mouth, and nose was my baby girl. One shoe on, one off, fishing pole clutched in her hand. I ran, oh, God did I run to her, I looked up and saw the lady that dropped my step daughter off, crouched down behind her truck screaming I DIDN'T SEE HER OH GOD I DIDN'T SEE HER!!! 

I found strength from somewhere, I yelled, "call 911".  I knelt down beside her, and touched her face. I said, "Savannah wake up!", then I yelled at her in an authoritative voice, "Vanna, MOMMY SAID WAKE UP!!" She didn't. I picked her up, I couldn't handle people coming out of their houses looking at her and me as if we were the 10 o'clock thriller. I ran into my house clutching on to her for dear life. I laid her down on the floor, tried to clear out her passage ways, but she was blue-purple. 

That was June 2nd 1996 at 12:50 pm on Sunday... 

On June 30 1996, 28 days after I lost her, I lost my dad in a freak car accident. 

I lost my mind, I lost my job, I lost my self respect, I lost my identity also. I found out that all of our life our Dad was lying to us, about our heritage. I found out instead of him being 3/4 Indian as he always said, that his father was Black and his mother was Indian, and that he was never divorced from his first wife, which was his 1st cousin, and he had 3 kids besides us 6, and I knew GOD hated me. I knew that all of my life was meant to be a joke to GOD. And He hated me. 

I went into the mental hospital 3 times, last time was March 2000. Before this last time, I tried to reconcile with my Knight/husband in 97'. But it was a joke, I couldn't leave the house for 6 months because of panic attacks, I drank all the time and was on xanax and prozac. When I finally was better we went to bars all the time, he had his own band and was the singer. And all we did was party, I was on the verge of having an affair with a WOMAN which my "Knight" thought was "cool". This was not the first time, a woman had "come" on too me and I was "flattered... by the attention. But I knew it was wrong, and I never could or would cross that line completely. 

Though money was never the issue during this time because he made over $100,000 a year that is when I found out $$$ doesn't bring happiness or respect. No hope, no will to live, no self respect, I was an alcoholic "sec... I smoked pot everyday 5-6 times a day, I took pills, I hated myself, I hated GOD, I certainly didn't love Jesus Christ. BUT...something always inside of me defended HIM desired HIM. 

One day I heard a voice it was audible to me, maybe not to other's but to me it was, and it said "I WILL DESTROY YOU". I was so scared I knew I was crazy, I needed help, I needed forgiveness, I needed to know that someone LOVED ME, for ME not for my looks, not for my body, not for what I could give them today, not because they "had" too, but LOVED ME. 

I met a wonderful man and we were married 4 days before my mental break down in March 2000. He is the most loving compassion, sincere man I have ever met. And for the first time in my life I can truly say, I Love Him. But it wasn't enough, I knew there was something more, SOMEONE who could make me feel complete and whole. 

I asked through many tears, Jesus Christ to come into my heart in May of 2000. I never in my life felt more shame, than I did that day before He came in. I could not lift my head, I could not speak words through the weeping and wailing. I was broken to the point if He did not come in that day to my heart I would not be here today. And I know the very moment He came in and cleansed me and forgave me and set up a new heart of flesh inside of me. I FELT IT!!! 

I felt the world of sin, bitterness, lust, hate, deception, guilt all LIFT off of me, in an instant. I felt as if I could float, I would laugh and cry and smile and cry I never felt a joy like that in my life. I felt a peace that came over me, from the top of my head to the very soles of my feet that felt like a warm thick covering, I knew I was in the arms of Jesus Christ and HE REALLY DID LOVE ME. 

Since then, I have had a thirst for Him and for His WORD, I love Prophecy and the BOOK of Revelation, I search and read a lot, I study a lot, I have a lot of questions. There is still healing to be done in my life that I do know. I still smoke cigarettes, at times I feel bitterness creep up on me, at times I feel rebellious and don't want to pray, I hear voices at times that tell me I am crazy that Jesus doesn't love me or I am not forgiven. 

I can't remember things because of all the medicines and street drugs I did, so I struggle with reading news stories or other's comment's on threads. But there are areas in my life that he has healed completely. I am a full time Mom, and a new wife to a wonderful man. He loves ME, and shows it in everyway I never imagined, from covering me up in the middle of the night on chilly nights when he thinks I am sleeping, to opening things like pop before he hands it to me, buying me the Bible on cassette tapes (though he is not saved and doesn't' understand the term, yet) 

I have learned about Jesus from my childhood days but I got very close to him when I had to select a partner for my life. I always wanted a person who believes in my LORD Jesus (2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness) this was in my mind day in and day out.

My parents were Christian's but different denominations we had ups and downs in life where we went to both churches but I newer wanted to do this but lately I too found a person from another denomination and with a different race. I feared that this will not work out at all but I only had hopes that My LORD my Saviour would guide me all along. My parents were against this and one night when I was praying to Jesus I only asked " Jesus please let this happen if only you could get my parents blessings" and there came the reply " I will get your parents consent" at this time I had already broken up with him as my parents were against but then every thing changed I had this affair for about 5 years secretly and all the time I think Jesus guided both of us. There came one Christmas day when we came after church my mother was opening the Christmas cards and a card which was send by one of my friends were address to my boyfriend too. Oh all the fire works started they wanted me to stop this but the words kept ringing in my ears " I will get your parents consent" there were two other verses which I kept on saying " Don't quit" and " Jesus Never Fails" that all the way I had hopes of that Jesus will get the consent for me.

But by the 28th of December every thing was settled both parents met and the consent was given. "Praise to the LORD my GOD"

We both married in June 1991 and at present we are having two daughters (age 10 & 7) and is very happy as we both know that Jesus was with us and is guiding all our way providing every need for us. But life has not been so easy there had been times where the children have been very ill but he was there for us for protect them even then showing his presence to us.

There was a day that my eldest daughter was very ill with (dengue fever) It so happen when I was in hospital with her one afternoon she was sleeping and I was really afraid and was reading the bible psalm 121 & psalm 91 and I fell asleep when I got up she was breathing heavily I was crying and asking Jesus for help I suddenly stood up and was waking towards her bed when I saw Jesus picture and all my fears vanished, but wondered how the picture came there as it was not there when I went to sleep. But it helped me to know that Jesus was there. Only after 2 hours that I found out that my brother-in-law had come seen both of us asleep had left the picture and gone.

In 1994 I had lot of problems in my office where another superior wanted the section which I was handling under her purview and I knew this was unfair as the section which I was handling served all sections, Day in and out of my office I just wanted to leave and stay at home. It was my birthday and I told the church priest to come home and have a word of prayer I also asked my mom to pass the message to the church priest, which she did too.

On the day of my birthday when the church priest came and was saying the prayer it was all about office and advice to me. It went on " I have been with you all through your life I have taken care of you so why do you worry about problems in your office these problems are temporary, as I have been with you I will be with you for ever.." I really can't remember some of those, which were said, but I could remember the above words of comfort. At that time I was wondering why my mom has gone and told the priest all my office problems but when the prayer was over and the priest had left I asked my mom why she did this and she told me " It was not me I thought you had mentioned your office problems to the priest " I even had my brother and he said at the prayer session he knew it could be my mom who had said this but then at once we all knew that it was our dear father who spoken to me through the priest that day. I only had the comforting words to lead me all the way, within months my office problems vanished thanks be to GOD.

Five years after the above incident I left the office and even when I started to join another office every thing was perfectly planned by GOD and I really had the courage to leave the previous office after 15 years of service.

Quite recently in June 2002 I had a memorable night where I saw JESUS with a large crowd I was a bit far away from him but he was wearing a white robe with his golden hair falling down his shoulder the next moment I was seated at his right side I held him with both hands around him from the side and kept my head on his head Oh ! I started to cry .. And why I cried I do not know but I wished I held on to him a little bit more.

I told my office friends about the dream and after 2 weeks I had to travel north on an office mission. One morning I got a call from one of my friends who said that she also saw Jesus and when she saw she kept asking Jesus why do you only show your face to Nelum but not me and she kept on asking but Jesus was only smiling and there was an angel next to him who asked her "Do you know why Jesus is smiling" and when she said no! The Angel said " Child don't be jealous about others"

I some times think why Jesus loves me so much, and why he helps me like the way he does when I am a sinner (Matthew 9:13, For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.")

... Jesus came to this world to catch the sinners but each time I think about this the reply is " Because I love you" Yes Jesus loves each one of us its just that we too need to be close to him talk to him, Thank him each time you know that he has done something for you because we have a living GOD we have a saviour where we could talk to any time. You do not need to go to a place thinking that only to this place that Jesus lives. As the hymn goes

He Lives, He lives, Christ Jesus lives today! He walks with me and talks with me along life's narrow way He Lives, He lives, salvation to impart! You ask me How I know He lives? HE LIVES WITHIN MY HEART

It has been just 6 months short of 20 years now and some of the details are but an unpleasant and fading memory but I think it is just as valid today as back then.

I was raised in the Mormon Church, six generations on both sides of my family. One of Joseph Smith's wives was my fourth great aunt (Desdemona Fullmer). John Taylor was my father’s uncle, I don't know how many greats in there, but my grandfather was named after him. For over 28 years I faithfully believed that the Mormon religion was true. 

I fell in love at the age of 16 and 3 years later married my high school sweetheart. He was a non-member. He was raised in a church that believed in salvation by baptism and so was also un-saved. I had decided that it didn't matter that we didn't believe the same things until our first child came along and there was a conflict as to how we would raise him spiritually. It became very important to me suddenly. 

My mother brought me to church when I was 6 weeks old and I have never been "out of church". My grandfather was an Independent Baptist preacher but died 3 years before I was born and my mother raised me Independent Baptist. Even though I never met my grandfather, I have always felt some sort of closeness to him I guess because of him being a preacher. 

My father is unsaved and I pray daily for his salvation. He thought he was saved when he was a child because several of his friends went up to the front when there was an altar call and he went too and professed to be saved, but wasn’t really. Years later, he realized he was not saved and now believes God will not save him. 

When I was around 11 years old, I was constantly searching for how to be saved. I had always asked my mother "How do you know when you are saved?" And she said "you will feel it in your heart." I took this literally and one Sunday afternoon, I had chest pain and asked her if I was saved because I felt something in my heart. Of course this wasn’t the case. I searched the Bible and a book my late grandfather (the one that was the Baptist preacher) had given my mother called "Here’s Your Answer". It had many questions that people ask about the Bible. I had still never found the answer I was looking for on how exactly to be saved, I guess because it was so very simple. 

When I was 13, on a Saturday afternoon, around 2 p.m. on December 13, 1986, a preacher at a church I didn’t go to, but had went to Bible school there since I was little, came to my house and asked me if I wanted to be saved. I am sure he knew I wasn’t saved because at Bible school every year when they would have the altar call, they would ask the ones saved to raise their hands and the ones that didn’t know or that were not saved to raise their hands. I wouldn’t raise my hand either time. I was really embarrassed and didn’t want to raise my hand either way for fear that everyone would know and I didn’t want to have to go up in front of all those kids. 

Anyway, on the day the preacher came to my house, I said yes I wanted to be saved and that I believed that he died on a cross for my sins and was resurrected and I prayed and asked Jesus into my heart and to forgive me of my sins. The next Sunday I was baptized at the church we regularly attended. About a year or so later we moved our membership to the church where the pastor had came to my house to tell me how to be saved. 

I have always went to church, but I knew that going to church since I was a baby wasn’t going to get me into heaven. I had a very strict father growing up and he had a really bad temper. Before I was saved I hated him and wished that he and my mother would get divorced. I knew that he wasn’t saved and that he would go to hell when he died. In a way it made me glad. When I became saved, my heart was changed and I no longer hated him. 

We are really close now, but he will not listen to me or my mother concerning the gospel. He says I am brain-washed. I have a left-behind letter and several Bibles for him during the Tribulation. I pray that he will be saved before that happens, but since I do not know when the Rapture will take place, if he is left here during the Tribulation, maybe he will read the information I have left for him and be saved. For now I can only pray for his salvation. Family members are sometimes the hardest people to reach for Christ. 

I have a real enthusiasm for Bible prophecy. My favorite book of the Bible has always been Revelations. I read it even before becoming saved. Now I have learned more about prophecy concerning the end times and enjoy Isaiah and Daniel as well. In March 2001 I started reading the Old Testament from beginning and hope to finish the end pretty soon. I never really understood the Old Testament and thought that all there was in it was "begats", but since I have found so many different end times prophecies in it I had to read it from beginning to end. 

I strive to get closer each day to the Lord and to walk with him. Reading the Bible at least twice each day and having a continual daily prayer time has tremendously helped. I also listen to Southern Gospel and some Contemporary Christian music. I am not real good at witnessing to people, usually what I say comes out the wrong way. I hope to get better at it. 

I know that my story isn’t very exciting because I was saved at home on my living room floor, but there is a time that I know that I accepted Jesus as my Savior and if you haven’t done the same, you really do need to TODAY! The Bible says "Boast not thy self of tomorrow, for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth." There is a real possibility that by the end of today your body could be laid out for viewing in the local funeral home. Then it would be too late for you to be saved. 

Please accept Jesus Christ as your Savior today. 

Revelations 3:20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

I grew up in a very small town of about 600 people and was raised in a Christian home. Our home was never quiet and we went to church every time the doors were open. My family always had different missionaries and special speakers staying at our home. I thought that going to church is how you get into heaven. At age 4, I thought that is how I would get into heaven by going to church, being a "good girl" and by doing works. I never really believed or accepted Christ as Savior until much later. Through my childhood I was very depressed and didn't talk to anyone. I really didn't understand what was going on like I do today. Everybody in my hometown knew everybody else's business.

Ba... the 50's and 60's they never talked about "gay" and that it was wrong. In fact, they never talked about sex and that we shouldn't let people touch us. I remember I always had those "feelings" when I was growing up of being a lesbian. In my mind I said "it was ok to do that" and that I wouldn't get hurt or be hurt emotionally, mentally or even spiritually. I wish at that time that someone told me that it was WRONG to do.

What ha... was that I was being sexually, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically abused by my grandpa and by my "best" friend and her brother. All this started at age 4 or maybe earlier, I am not sure. My grandpa started it and I still told myself "hey he loves me" and that it was ok to let him do the things he did to me. Little did I know that letting "him" touch me and things would destroy my childhood and that it would change my life for good.As the abuse got worse, her and her brother did things much worse to me. I couldn't even tell anybody what was going on. I was too ASHAMED and felt that it was my fault.

This is when those feelings started when "her" would do things to me, they made those feelings more alive. I felt safe with her and in doing it with her... I never had the pain as I did when my grandpa and her brother hurt me. As a result of this abuse, I got into different SA problems.

As I got older, I never dated during high school because I was so afraid that those "feelings" would come out. So I kept to myself. These feelings got much stronger and I had two relationships growing up. These relationships I was into, got me very confused and angry at myself but at God as well. I didn't know what to do and since I didn't know what to do for sure, I would drink wine and would smoke to cover up the pain of being rejected and feeling unloved and neglected. I told myself 'hey it's ok to do this'. I wasn't hurting anyone or even myself. At the time I most certainly did not like myself at all.

I didn't know it at the time it was called "sin' and I was so angry at God for letting this happen to me. I didn't think God was even there with me at the time and that he just left me to do what I wanted to.

I have struggled with this 'feeling' for over 35 yrs and have acted on them occasionally. I met my hubby in 1970 and got married in 1977. And yes we are still together. For a very long time my husband never knew until recently. He has helped me so much in dealing with all of this.

Then in 1980 I accepted Christ as Savior at the church where I still go today. I really thought that once I was saved and even married, that those "feelings", thoughts, and desires would just go away and never bother me again. I just thought I wouldn't have this type of problem. BOY, was I wrong. Those feelings or thoughts or desires, HAD taken over my every thought life and there was no room for GOD in there.

I didn't think that God really cared for me to let me go through all this abuse thinking it was alright. All my life, I felt like I was not worth anything, that I didn't have anything useful to say and even if I did say it, that no one would like my ideas. I had no self-confidence.

I didn't feel like people wanted to have me around. I had friends, but no "best friend" to share all my secrets with. I was afraid of rejection. My way of dealing with things I did not want to deal with was to stuff them inside a box, in which I kept locked inside of me. I would give it over to the LORD, and then stuff it in the box again. Sometimes I would take it back out again and try to deal with it, but it made a bigger mess of it and stuffed it back again inside the box.

I have learned that GOD is truly working in my heart today to be truly and totally free from these desires or feelings. I ask GOD to help me be free in HIM and I know that HE is truly working in my heart because I DON'T have THOSE DESIRES anymore to do this or think this way. PRAISE GOD for HIS UNFAILING LOVE FOR ME!!! He is truly changing my heart to be clean and free. AMEN!!

Of course that doesn't mean we won't fall now and then, I am only human you know. I am trying to keep focus on GOD and not let Satan feed me his lies.

Two verses helped me see this: In EPHESIANS 2:8 & 9 it says, "For it is by grace you have been saved through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of GOD, not by works, so that no one can boast." (NIV).

The second verse is PSALMS 73:28 and it says, "As for me it is good to draw near to God, I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge, I will tell of your deeds." (NIV)

The Lord can deliver you from all kinds of situations, whether it would be drinking, smoking, abuse, etc. You can have peace in your heart if you only accept Christ as your Savior.

Don't give up, just give it to him. My prayer is that this page has brought some hope to you and maybe you feel that with GOD anything is possible.